The Man Pill

Drug companies make serious money. That’s how they can afford to buy all those sappy TV commercials showing the perfect family outdoors having so much fun because they’re taking pills that wipe away their troubles. Then they get to that long list of freaky side effects, and it’s like, da-yum, I think not. Not in my sacred temple.

So I got to thinking…I wouldn’t mind making a few billion dollars, too, so I’ve designed the perfect drug for people like me who are, well, let’s say, Mature Men (M2). First, we’ll need a good name because Fred’s Mature Man pill just doesn’t strike a respectable chord on TV commercials. I’m thinking of Blisstiva or Manupitopia. You know, something non-threatening and just a bit subliminal.

Once we decide on the catchiest name via highly-focused Facebook surveys or just picking stuff randomly from a hat, we need to add the essential ingredients that fill the growing needs of M2s. First, we start off with a few essential vitamins—A, B12, C, D, E—all the good alphabet vitamins. Vitamins are fairly non-controversial, so we suck buyers in gently. Along with the multivitamin, we sprinkle in some CBD to treat those aches and pains that all M2s experience. Of course, in the cannabis-friendly states—Colorado, Oregon, Washington, New Mexico—basically, all the states that still allow abortions—we’ll add a pinch of THC. Just enough to get the mind right but not so much that you forget where you stashed the M&Ms.

Next comes the most essential ingredient, a boost of Viagra or Cialis. Again, we only include a smidgen of penis power. Not the 4-hour-erection dose that will rip through your zipper but only enough to keep an adequate flow of blood to your Wienerschnitzel and combate embarrassing age-related shrinkage. There are the obvious sexual benefits, but this will also save M2s from having to dig aimlessly into our underwear when we need to go pee-pee. For us, it’s something like trying to find a peanut in the bottom of a plastic grocery bag filled with marbles. Enough said.

This is especially weird in a public bathroom when you’re standing next to a big biker dude who is whizzing like a firehose, and you’re up to your forearm in your pants hoping to feel something fleshy.

So, to recap, we have loads of respectable vitamins, the CBD/THC combo, and Viagra. So far, so good. We have covered the body, mind, and potential sexual activity. I can already envision the television ads with a smiling, fit dude hitting on younger women. Sure, it’s creepy, but this is the crap that sells, my friends.

Then, we drop in a dab of Vicodin (only for non-cannabis states, of course) for mind realignment. Or we just double down with Vicodin and THC. It’s a special blend for a spiritual feeling of oneness, if I may say so from, uh, what a friend of mine told me once.

Critical to the overall mix is adding some natural, homeopathic ingredients to battle arthritis, such as aloe vera, eucalyptus, ginger, and turmeric—all well-known organic anti-inflammation herbs. All M2s I know have some sort of joint pain. We have to fix that so we can still snow ski and mountain bike. Finally, we slip in some cacao (dark chocolate, basically) to boost brain function and a touch of dandelion and peppermint oil to assist with the irritating issue of urine retention. No more getting up five times every night to wee-wee.

Oh, damn, I almost forgot about sleepytime problems. Easy to solve, plus we double our revenues because we have a daytime pill to kick-start your day when you pound back your jolt of coffee and a nighttime pill to be taken late in the evening before you hit the sheets. That one will include a sprinkle of Ambien to send you headlong into deep dreamland.

I believe that wraps up the perfect pill for M2s around the world. It solves everything—limp noodle, weak mind, fluttery heart, arthritis, pee-pee trouble, joint pain, general health, insomnia, and happiness. Wow, I didn’t realize how screwed up I was until I wrote that sentence. This getting old shit really sucks. Unless, of course, you jump out and buy a lifetime supply of my new pill. That should solve all of your problems, except that asshole neighbor who keeps borrowing all of your tools and breaking them.

Oh, I almost forgot to list those pesky side effects. Always read the fine print, people.

Anyone taking the M2 pill may experience heightened sexual appetite, excessive munchies, the illusion that they can whip everyone’s ass in Jeopardy, visions of immortality, urine flow like a power washer, uncontrollable laughter even at marginally funny jokes, and an increased interest in music from the 1970s.

Mm. Smells like money!